


never thought something so beautiful could haunt you

by taehbaeh



Series: when you're gone [1]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, This Is Sad, im sorry, unspecified disease, wooseok writes letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-10 18:43:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20532776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taehbaeh/pseuds/taehbaeh
Summary: Wooseok's gone, leaving Seungyoun to deal with his loss in the form of letters.





	never thought something so beautiful could haunt you

**Author's Note:**

> This is a recycled, completed version of something I wrote a long time ago. I hope you like it despite how angsty it is. I'm sorry for any occasional errors etc.  
The title's taken from 'Haunt You' by Social House  
Kudos and comments are very much appreciated! Thank you for reading!

Seungyoun’s fingers grazed over the white envelope and the grief surged with every expelled breath he took, reaching its highest peak. He didn’t know what to think when Wooseok’s mother had handed him the neatly stacked envelopes; all addressed to him.

What was this supposed to mean? Why had Wooseok written him letters, as if the pain wasn’t enough to handle already?

The awful hollowness, the waves of wretchedness threatened to engulf his mind, body, and soul as he opened the first letter that would surely tear him apart in ways nothing ever could.

> February 5th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _I’m not sure whether these letters will even graze your eyes but I’ll do my utmost best to make sure they will when the time is right. There is, however, only so much I’ll be able to do at that time so I make no promises and can only hope the letters will somehow fall into your hands._
> 
> _It hasn’t been long since I’ve known and I’ve been beating myself up about whether I should write these letters ever since. It’s been a difficult decision to make but I’ve decided that I want to leave something of mine behind with you. Or maybe I’m just being selfish and I don’t want you to forget me. Either way, I’m doing this. I won’t be writing a lot of them, don’t worry. I know how you hate reading so I’ll keep it short. As short as I can, that is. After all, there’s still so much I want to tell you and I had never thought there’d be a time limit to my words. But I guess _ _life has a way of surprising us in the most unexpected ways._
> 
> _I made mom promise that she wouldn’t tell you and I think she only agreed because she loves you too much to tell you anything that would hurt you. _
> 
> _On the other hand, she insists I get treatment. And I will. But I know it will only lengthen the time I have left by very little, if at all. I don’t tell her that, though. She’s in enough pain as it is and you know how much I hate seeing my mother cry. It breaks my heart in a thousand pieces and that’s probably also why I’ve chosen to keep this away from you. I’ve come to terms with my fate but I can’t drag you down with me. I don’t want you to look at me differently, Seungyoun._
> 
> _I’ve dragged this on for longer than I wanted and I just received a text saying you’re on your way here, therefore, I’m ending this first letter here._
> 
> _Until the next one._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> March 8th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _About a month has passed since my last letter and I can hear the clock ticking. _
> 
> _Seven months, they told me. Eight if I’m lucky. Funny how that makes me lucky, isn’t it?_
> 
> _It’s okay, I’ve accepted it by now._
> 
> _You’ve started making plans for us to move in together next year and I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I probably won’t make it that far. You looked so happy, how could I possibly take that away from you? You smiled so bright and I realized that I don’t have forever; the feelings that I’ve put on hold for the longest time are threatening to spill out. But I’m scared, Seungyoun. I’m scared of change. I’m scared of us changing. Feelings spill so much easier on the pages as words which our mouth can not say and our heart can not explain._
> 
> _I know swallowing down the words you’re meant to hear and I know that will turn out to be a mistake. But at least, this is a mistake that I won’t live long enough to regret._
> 
> _And please don’t misunderstand- this is not a confession. I’m not ready to lay my honest feelings down like that yet- even if it’s on paper. But it’s coming, I promise. _
> 
> _My word is my bond, you know that better than anyone else._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> May 29th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _You’ve fallen asleep on my bed again. You do that a lot lately; I’m afraid it’s eventually going to give me the wrong idea. But sometimes it makes me wonder, what if it’s not the wrong idea? What if all the times I’ve laid in bed thinking about you, you’ve done the same?_
> 
> _But that’s just wishful thinking._
> 
> _Right?_
> 
> _As I sit here staring at you, I think it’s the first time I feel that I might actually miss out on something. It makes me wonder what a future with you would look like. But the harsh truth is that I don't have much of a future left. _
> 
> _I look at you and I want to take it all in; your eyes, your nose, your lips. I want there to be a way for me to take it all with me when I leave._
> 
> _Sometimes I imagine us switching places and it hurts too much to even think about. I can’t begin to describe how glad I am that it’s me and not you. I can’t bear the thought of having to live a life without you, Seungyoun. I’m sure it’s not as bad for you. We both know I’m way too dependant on you. I guess that’s not a good thing but I wouldn’t change it for the world._
> 
> _The truth is; I can’t function without you. When you’re gone, I feel as if you take a part of me with you. And when you come back, I’m whole again. _
> 
> _I’m nothing without you, Seungyoun._
> 
> _This is getting too much, even for me. I’m afraid I’ll wake you up with all my overthinking so I’ll end it on this note._
> 
> _Sweet dreams._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> July 26st, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _I think I’m getting worse by the minute. I’ve done a good job hiding it and I don’t think you’ve noticed anything. All you did was ask me if I’ve been skipping my meals but I guess that’s nothing out of the norm. Your face twisted in concern as you held my face in both your hands and the guilt washed over me like the long slow waves on a shallow beach. Each wave was icy cold and sent shivers down my spine. I envy the pebbles, hard and lifeless, unable to feel the torments of life._
> 
> _I know you probably hate me for this now but believe me, I had no choice. There’s no way I could ever tell you. _
> 
> _How am I supposed to stand in front of you, stare into your eyes and tell you that I’m dying, Seungyoun? How do I get the words out?_
> 
> _I hope you’ll learn to forgive me for this. I know you will. You’re the most forgiving person I know, after all. You say it’s your worst quality but I believe it’s your best. I love how there’s not a single bad bone in your body. I’d never deny that you’re the most gorgeous person I’ve set my eyes o_ _n but I wish everyone would know how beautiful you are on the inside as well; to the depths of your soul._
> 
> _I love the person you are, Cho Seungyoun. And I wish I could say that I deserve you but I don’t._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> September 5th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _This is the first time since my diagnosis that I can honestly say that I’m scared._
> 
> _I thought I had it under control. I thought I didn’t care but the truth is; I’m terrified of dying. My hands are shaking as I’m writing this and I have a hard time breathing. It feels as if time is hot on my heels, chasing me and no matter how fast I run, I can’t seem to escape it. It’s bound to catch up with me, sooner rather than later. And I’m almost out of breath; I’m tired. I don’t think I can run for much longer. My heart is racing and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and wait for someone to save me. But no one can, nobody can outrun time._
> 
> _This sudden fear has led me to realize that the amount of time I have left is decreasing so I feel the need to say this before it’s too late._
> 
> _I know I shouldn’t even have to ask, because I know the kind of person you are, but I have one thing I need from you, Seungyoun. Take care of my mom for me. Please. She has no one else. And I know she’d never admit it, but she gets lonely. Check up on her every once in a while, make sure she takes care of herself and don’t let her cry too much. Buy her flowers- orchids are her favorite. Don’t let her sit at home too much, take her out whenever you can. Just be there for her. Take care of her, that’s all I ask of you._
> 
> _And you too. Take care of yourself. I mean it, Seungyoun. Don’t play too many video games, you’ll end up being blind like me in no time. Try eating something else other than instant noodles once in a while, I’m seriously worried about your health. Stop watching scary movies when you know they’re gonna give you nightmares, I won’t be there to sleep beside you anymore. Try not to forget your jacket every time you leave the house, you know how easy it’s for you to get sick. Consider getting yourself a loud alarm because I’m afraid I won’t be coming to wake you up when you have important things to attend anymore. If I’ve forgotten anything I’ll make sure to add it to the next letter. Just take care, okay? _
> 
> _And don’t cry. I’d say it makes you look ugly but we both know that’s not true. You look beautiful no matter what._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> October 29th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _I thought I was doing a decent job at hiding. I thought I could conceal my only growing weakness and my sunken eyes. I convinced myself that if I just smiled at you like always I did, you wouldn’t notice. _
> 
> _But I should’ve known better than that. After all, you know me better than anyone else. You have a way of seeing through every single one of my lies and all my facades; I can’t hide from you._
> 
> _I’m trying my best to keep you out of this all, away from the ugly truth. Because I don’t want to put you in any kind of pain, Seungyoun. _
> 
> _But it’s gotten difficult. _
> 
> _When I nearly collapsed in front of you today, I realized that this might all be beyond my power. The truth is, it’s all out of my control. I’m learning that the hard way._
> 
> _And when you grabbed me by the shoulders and demanded that I told you the truth, I lied. I told you I was fine when in fact, I’m fading fast. I said it was nothing and you looked at me, concern dancing in those beautiful eyes of yours and damn it, Seungyoun, this is why I didn’t want to tell you._
> 
> _The air was so brittle at that moment, it could snap, and I felt that if it didn’t, I might’ve. I didn’t speak, what was there to say? I could feel the fear in my chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wanted to protect me but there really wasn’t any real danger; just you. It sat there like an angry ball propelling me towards an anxiety I just didn’t need._
> 
> _And I dreaded your next words. I dreaded the moment you’d break me and I’d give in. The dread pushed against me like an invisible gale. It had my stomach locked up tight, nothing getting in or out. _
> 
> _And then you held me so delicately; as if I was made of glass, and you looked at me and pleaded. And I broke, Seungyoun. The words that I’ve been pushing down came flooding out the moment you held me captive with your gaze. _
> 
> _I told you I’m dying. _
> 
> _I felt as if the entire weight of the world got lifted from my shoulders because as much as you’d like to think otherwise, I hate lying to you. It puts me through an agonizing kind of pain and I hate myself for keeping the truth from you._
> 
> _And I’m not sure what I was expecting but when I told you I have no longer than a month left, you bolted out of my apartment before I could catch the look on your face._
> 
> _If you ask me about the most hurt I’ve ever felt in my life, it’s without a doubt the moment I had to watch you walk out that door. I would rather you took a knife to my skin than walk out the cold-blooded way that you did. It’s nothing like you, Youn. In moments like these, I don’t know who you are and I wonder if you know yourself. Don’t you know what you’re doing? Can’t you stop?_
> 
> _I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. You’re a good person and if it wasn’t for me, this side of you wouldn’t have come out. It seems unfair that no matter how much I strive to be the man my conscience wants me to be, it will keep taunting me with my regrets and failures._
> 
> _I’m coward and I’m sorry._
> 
> _The hurt I feel is a spider web, intricate, yet strong. I know it will pass and the sun will regain its warmth, but the joy from my heart is gone._
> 
> _Please, come back home, Seungyoun._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> October 30th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _It’s unusual for me to write a letter so soon after the previous one but after you stormed out yesterday and I sat down to write my latest letter, I thought this was it. I thought I had lost the last couple of weeks I had left with you. I thought you were mad at me; you have every right to be. _
> 
> _But as I laid in bed, trying to make the aching stop, I heard the door open and soon you were laying next to me, your warmth seeping into my being and you comforted me without even opening your mouth. I melted into you like ice-cream on a warm porcelain bowl, like I belonged next to you, like you belonged next to me. Your arms wrapped around my frame as if you feared I’d slip away at any given moment._
> 
> _I heard your voice crack as you apologized against my shoulder and I couldn’t trust myself enough not to break down so I kept my lips sealed, my heartache feeling like an insatiable fire that burnt all the oxygen in my body._
> 
> _I felt the dampness on my neck before anything else and then I heard the heart-wrenching cries, I felt the tremble in your body and the hurt was instant, it covered me like a cloak I never wanted, bonding to my skin when all I ever wanted was the sunshine. The sunshine that you were before…all this._
> 
> _I promised myself I wouldn’t put you through this pain. I’m sorry, Seungyoun, I couldn’t keep my promise._
> 
> _Your every cry was a new wound, a new scar to add to the collection. _
> 
> _It hurts, Seungyoun. How do I make it stop?_
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> November 17th, 2018
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _I’ve put this off for way too long but if now is not the right time to say this then I don’t know when is. I’ve tried to ignore it for most of the years I’ve spent with you. I used to convince myself that I feel this way because you’re my best friend and nothing more. _
> 
> _But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I’ve come to terms with it now and I wish I had the guts to look you in the eyes and say it all; every word I’ve kept inside. _
> 
> _But it’s not easy. It never has been and I imagine it’ll never be. That’s probably also why my words only extend to the lengths of this piece of paper. _
> 
> _Despite that, I’ve reached the edge of the cliff many times before. The moment where I almost jump; where I almost reveal it all. There have been countless times where you’ve made me think that maybe it’s worth jumping. That maybe there’s a huge trampoline down there and that everything I’ve feared is just that; a meaningless fear._
> 
> _You push and pull a lot, did you know that, Seungyoun?_
> 
> _I guess that’s also one of the reasons I hold back. What if once I say how I truly feel, you pull and then decide to push? And what if you just push? And push, and push, and push until I’m as far away from you as I can be._
> 
> _I gave you my life and I never take back a gift, for in this life honesty and integrity mean so much. The word I gave you was my bond not because I feel chained but because I honor you and love you more than everything that I am. So when you make me believe that maybe there could be something there when I know for a fact that there isn’t, I am hurt in a way that cuts to the core of who I am._
> 
> _But that's love and who am I to go against it?_
> 
> _It's horrible, it makes you vulnerable, it opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like hold your hand or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘of course I care, you’re my best friend' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love but I can’t hate the love I have for you._
> 
> _And I guess what I’m trying to say is that I could write a million letters, each one the same as the last in sentiment and cadence. They stay the same, only the word arrangement changes. It boils down to one thing, I love you._
> 
> _I love you, Cho Seungyoun. I love you down to the depths of your beautiful soul. I love everything about you, from the way you laugh to the _ _si__mplest things you do, like the way you order a pizza. I love the person I become when I’m with you. And I’d live in pain for the rest of my life if it meant I’d get to continue loving you. _
> 
> _And I’m trying not to think of the expiration date, but it’s there. It’s there and it’s getting impossibly close. I can see it, Seungyoun. Sometimes I like to think that if I had a bit more time maybe, just maybe, you would realize that you can love me like that as well._
> 
> _But it’s too late for that now. I’ve had my entire life to tell you that I love you but I blew it, and I don’t feel that I have the right to tell you now. I’m taking the love I have for you and locking it up inside the cage I call my body, and I’ll make sure you won’t know about it until I’m no longer here to bear the consequences. _
> 
> _So if this is not something you want to hear, I’m sorry but I had to get it off my chest._
> 
> _I hope you know how much of myself belongs to you._
> 
> _Sincerely, Wooseok._
> 
> * * *
> 
> _November 26th, 2018_
> 
> _Dear Seungyoun,_
> 
> _This is it. My last letter. I can feel it is. I’ve gotten so weak at this point, every part of my body aches but I refuse to leave without one last letter._
> 
> _You’ve stuck by my side for the entirety of this past month, you’ve practically abandoned your own apartment and I can’t begin to thank you enough. You’ve been my rock, Seungyoun. _
> 
> _But I’ve noticed that it has taken a toll on you; your eyes no longer hold the same light that they used to. Your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes and I’ve heard you cry behind the closed bathroom door more than once. I’ve hurt you, Seungyoun, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that._
> 
> _You’ve offered me so many beautiful memories and I’ll be forever grateful to have had the chance to live by your side, to have watched you grow into the person you are today. My entire life I’ve been on the receiving end. You’ve given me so much and an entire lifetime wouldn’t be enough to pay you back. _
> 
> _The first snow of the year has fallen and I wish I could go outside to feel it against my fingertips for one last time. In this swirl of white the world has washed anew, like a new page, but I don’t want it. I want to turn the pages back and dwell on the fine details; when you approached me for the first time in middle school, the times we huddled up together and watched a stupid movie and all those times we’d lay on your rooftop and watch the stars, talking about things that didn’t hold much meaning._
> 
> _But life is pulling me forward into its end with one hand and erasing my past with the other. _
> 
> _I still have so many things I want to tell you but no amount of letters will be enough. And there are still so many things I want to experience along your side but no amount of lifetimes will ever come close to enough._
> 
> _So this is it. I kept it short, didn’t I? The time I knew was coming but dreaded regardless. The time for the first goodbye of two. I know you’re going to be there when I actually leave, holding my hand like you’ve done for the past two weeks, because that’s the person you are, Seungyoun. When I felt like the world was falling apart around me, you made me feel as though it wasn't so bad. When I felt like nothing could make me feel better, you somehow managed to put even the slightest of simper on my face. I wish I could go back to when I first met you so I could do it all over again and I wouldn't change a single thing._
> 
> _Goodbye, my Seungyounie. That I have loved you means I always will._
> 
> _Try not to forget me._
> 
> _Sincerely, your Wooseok._

Seungyoun’s hands trembled where they held onto the piece of paper, filled with Wooseok’s last words.

He had thought the pain of losing Wooseok would be incomparable to anything else but these letters he left behind hurt him in a heart-wrenching, gut-twisting way, and Seungyoun never knew a human body could bear this much pain.

The letter twisted in his hold and he wanted to throw it away, burn it; anything to cease its existence. But he also wanted to hold it, press it close to him in the hopes that maybe he would somehow manage to hear Wooseok’s voice through it all.

He wished he hadn’t read it all at once, he wished he had left something for the future, for when the pain would be too much to bear.

The words ringed in his ears and when he closed his eyes, it felt as if Wooseok was still there, telling him that he loves him. As if he hadn’t gone anywhere. As if he hadn’t left him to drown in the miserable puddle that was his sorrow.

Seungyoun longed for a chance to say the words they’d both been too scared to say.

He loved Wooseok with everything he had but now he was gone and there was nothing he could do to bring him back.

Seungyoun felt his legs buckle, his knees sinking into the wooden floor of Wooseok’s bedroom. The tears he’d been forcing back for the past few days burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face. He felt the muscles of his chin tremble like a small child and he looked towards the window, as if the light could soothe him. But all he saw was darkness. Darkness and pain. So much pain. The heaviness was in his limbs as much as his mind. 

Reality hit him heavy; Wooseok wasn’t coming back, no matter how much he wanted him to.

“How am I going to do this, Seok?” Seungyoun cried, slumping forward to burry his face in the covers of the bed, the ones that still smelled so much like his Wooseok. “What am I supposed to do now?”

He closed his eyes and hoped for an answer. But Wooseok’s voice was slowly becoming a distant memory. And that’s all it’d ever be; a beautiful, haunting memory.

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: I might be thinking about writing a sequel to this where Seungyoun responds to the letters?? Idk I just really love putting myself through pain i guess  
Let me know if you'd like that.


End file.
